Have you ever been told to “just think positive” during a tough moment, only to feel like your real emotions were being swept under the rug? Maybe someone said, “Don’t be sad, be happy!” or “You just have to love yourself enough!” and that left you feeling unseen or even misunderstood. It’s tempting to lean into unwavering optimism or constant self-praise, especially when times are hard. But there’s a fine line between encouragement and pressure, and understanding this difference can make a profound impact on how you care for your emotional wellbeing.
Defining Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity refers to the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state that results in the denial or minimization of genuine human emotions. It’s the belief that no matter how difficult a situation is, one should maintain a positive mindset at all times — even if that means ignoring or invalidating feelings like sadness, anger, grief, or fear.
At first glance, focusing on positivity might seem like a helpful coping mechanism. After all, optimism has proven benefits for health and resilience. But when positivity is forced, unbalanced, or dismissive, it crosses into the realm of toxic positivity.
Common examples include phrases like:
- “Just look on the bright side!”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “Don’t feel bad, it could be worse.”
- “You have to love yourself unconditionally.”
- “Positive vibes only.”
While well-meaning, these statements can actually make someone feel isolated and misunderstood. It pushes a narrative that some emotions are “wrong” or unwelcome, which can lead to emotional suppression rather than healing.
Understanding Real Self-Love
Real self-love is a gentle, honest acceptance of yourself — flaws, emotions, and all. It’s the practice of nurturing your wellbeing with kindness and compassion, not by ignoring difficult feelings but by facing them with courage and patience.
Self-love means:
- Recognizing and validating your full range of emotions, even the uncomfortable ones.
- Creating boundaries that protect your energy and mental health.
- Treating yourself with care through restful breaks, nourishing meals, and activities that bring joy.
- Allowing room for growth and mistakes without harsh self-judgment.
- Seeking support when needed without guilt or shame.
It’s less of a static “happy place” and more of an ongoing relationship with yourself — willing to embrace the messy, beautiful complexity of being human.
Key Differences Between the Two
It helps to see toxic positivity and real self-love as opposite ends of a spectrum dealing with the same goal: emotional wellbeing.
- Toxic Positivity encourages ignoring negative emotions by forcing positivity or denying reality.
- Real Self-Love involves acknowledging all emotions without judgment and responding to yourself with kindness.
- Toxic Positivity often isolates people, making them feel their pain is unacceptable or inconvenient.
- Real Self-Love cultivates connection, understanding, and healing.
- Toxic Positivity can prevent vulnerability and authenticity.
- Real Self-Love invites growth and emotional resilience through authenticity.
Think of it this way: toxic positivity is a flashy mask, glossing over deep emotions, while real self-love is the warm hug that lets you cry, reflect, and then rise again.
Why Toxic Positivity Can Hurt You
Though it sounds positive on the surface, toxic positivity can have serious emotional consequences:
- Suppressed Emotions: When feelings aren’t allowed to be expressed, they build up and can manifest as anxiety, depression, or physical symptoms like headaches or fatigue.
- Reduced Authenticity: Pretending to feel okay all the time disconnects you from your true self and others around you.
- Shame and Guilt: When you’re told you “should” be positive, you might blame yourself for feeling overwhelmed or sad.
- Barriers to Support: Toxic positivity discourages sharing hardships, meaning less opportunity to receive empathy or help.
This can be especially harmful during crises such as grief, trauma, or mental health struggles. Imagine telling someone mourning a loved one, “At least they’re in a better place,” without offering space to mourn. That’s the kind of harm toxic positivity can unintentionally do.
If you struggle with feelings you’re “not allowed” to have, or feel pressured to hide your emotions, know it’s okay to seek help from a trusted friend or mental health professional.
How to Cultivate Healthy Self-Love
Moving from toxic positivity toward real self-love is a process, but a worthwhile one. Here are ways to nurture an authentic, kind relationship with yourself:
- Practice Emotional Awareness: Check in with how you really feel, even if it’s uncomfortable. Journaling can help identify and name emotions.
- Allow Feelings Without Judgment: Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel sadness, anger, or frustration. These feelings are human and temporary.
- Set Boundaries: Protect your emotional space by saying no to people or situations that drain you.
- Engage in Mindful Self-Care: Whether it’s a walk in nature, listening to calming music, or preparing a nourishing meal, choose activities that replenish your soul.
- Seek Connection: Talk openly with friends, family, or support groups. Real connections thrive on sharing both joys and challenges.
- Celebrate Progress: Recognize small steps forward without expecting perfection — growth is nonlinear.
True self-love is a marvelous balance of gentleness and strength. It means holding your darkest days with the same care as your brightest moments.
Try starting a daily affirmation that acknowledges your feelings, such as “I accept my feelings as they come, and I am enough.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Is positivity always bad?
Not at all! Positivity is wonderful when it’s balanced with realism and empathy. Toxic positivity becomes a problem when it dismisses real emotions.
Can I still practice self-love if I’m feeling negative emotions?
Absolutely. Real self-love embraces all emotions, recognizing that feeling low is part of life and doesn’t diminish your worth.
How do I respond to someone who uses toxic positivity with me?
You might gently say, “I appreciate your positivity, but I really need to feel heard right now.” Setting this boundary can encourage more authentic conversations.
How can self-love support mental health?
Self-love creates a foundation of self-compassion that helps reduce stress, heal from setbacks, and build emotional resilience over time.
Embracing Your Whole Self
True emotional health isn’t about wearing a constant smile but about honoring every part of your emotional landscape. When you move beyond toxic positivity, you gift yourself permission to be fully human — with all your ups, downs, and everything in between.
Building real self-love takes time, patience, and practice. But with each step toward acceptance, you plant seeds for authentic joy, resilience, and peace.
For more insights on nurturing your mindset and creating supportive routines, explore our articles on simple self-care moves to improve mental health and building personalized self-care rituals that nourish your mind and body daily.
